December 13th, 2006 - 284

That's my HCG level as of yesterday, 284. Will have to have another test done next Tuesday. My level needs to get back to zero. Once at Zero, the fertility dr, IP and I will discuss the plan for our second transfer. So its the waiting game again, and you KNOW how I do with "waiting!" lol

Thank you to the wonderful thoughtful emails to my post on Dec 6th. I do realize that miscarrying the baby was not my fault and things do happen for a reason. I think its only natural to have thoughts as I did in situations like that but I do know that it wasn't something that I did or didn't do. Whether its a planned miscarriage or not, it truly is a heartbreaking ordeal for all those involved to have to go through. And I hope that anyone going through this has a good support system to get you through this, or at least know that there are many resources out there for support.

Thank you again for the support to get through this and for sharing your stories. My heart goes out to the women who have tried so hard to get pregnant. If I had more years, I would try to help as many people (men and/or women) to have babies that can't.

My journey as a surrogate has been long so far and we are only getting started!

A Surrogate Mom

December 13th, 2006 - Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

by Gary Portnoy and Judy Hart Angelo

Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.

Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.

Wouldn't you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go

Where everybody knows your name,

and they're always glad you came.

You wanna be where you can see,

our troubles are all the same

You wanna be where everybody knows

Your name.

You wanna go where people know,

people are all the same,

You wanna go where everybody knows your name.

Lately I have been feeling like "Norm" when I go out to play Bar Bingo at the various different country bars...you know...where ever the coverall jackpots are big! lol Every night and day there is some type of bar Bingo to go to...but I've been hitting the ones on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday (if no church, lol...great alternative to church), Thursday and sometimes Friday! At first I thought it was a gambling addiction but I really can say that it isn't because I don't have the finances to support a gambling addiction! I've been pretty lucky to win big at this Bingo stuff and then I can play for days off the winnings! After being home all day with the kids, its a nice break to get away...of course we only go when its a big pot...so its not all the time...just seems like it. lol Anyways...I don't have a gambling addiction and I can say NO without any problems...so far (lol). J/K, really...no addiction. I just like to go and be around friends. PS...I also do not smoke or drink.

But let's get back to "Norm." Sunday was the Christmas pageant at the church I have been a member of for just over 2 years. The first two years, I went religiously every Sunday and was there every Wednesday to help out with Logos and Confirmation...and nursery for Alpha on Sunday nights and basically whenever I was asked to help out. I've sort of lost interest in going every Sunday because I just can't help but feel like an outsider...in my own church! I "know" a lot of people at church. I KNOW they "know" who I am. Ok...back to Sunday...so I got there an hour early b/c I have learned in past years that you have to if you want to sit up front and see the kids. So I'm sitting in the third row from the front on the right. When I arrived, there were people in the first three rows on the left that I know from church and our children's schools...I smiled towards them and ok...its not like they invited me to sit with them...although they did invite another family who we "know" to sit closer to them... they did the "look the other way" thing...whether it was intentional or not...it happened. So I sat by myself, across the aisle from this group. No one said anything to me. I had the entire pew row to myself.

It gets better, mind you. The entire church FILLS UP and I'm still the only one in the darn pew!!! Ok...I might be a little fat b/c of having babies, but I'm not ugly. I am a nice person and never had bad words with anyone at church or the school. Oh...and I don't smell, and well I was wearing jeans and a fleece pullover from College. People NORMALLY will fill in the empty spots up front, KWIM? But not the pew I was sitting in. I was far from being a stranger. I'm not the type of person to brag about myself or talk about other people. I have a home business but I don't ever bother anyone about it...you know...to buy something or have a party. So no reason to avoid me, that I can think of. So why was it that I sat all by myself in this pew....third row from the front???

Well the pew in front of me was getting packed by this one family and they tried to squeeze 2 more adults in but just couldn't do it. lol The two eventually sat on the other end of the pew that I was in. After the program started, an older couple like my parents age, sat in the middle of the pew finally. It just was amusing to say the least.

So where does "Norm" come in? Well, last night I went to Bar Bingo in a town 14 miles from here...a town I dont know anyone but knew that the jackpot was $1500. I walk in there not knowing anyone but everyone sitting around the bars and the few tables who recognized me said "HI (and my name)" WOW am I in Church? Oh, wait its a BAR! I realized that there were people who I've seen at other places but didn't know, greeted me as well. I also realized that some people who said my name I didn't know and they knew it. So I was introduced to them by other people sitting next to them that knew me. I was introduced to another couple who I've seen but never knew their name. So now I realize why I have been at the bars more frequently...the people I meet at these different bars have taken the time to just say HI, have some nice conversation, as well as to invite me to other things happening around town...just like any good friends would do. Not once in the two years at my church has anyone asked me to do something with them or "hey, lets get together with the kids" and actually do it.

Trust me, I have gone out of my way to participate/volunteer in church to get to know the other members...even invited them to do things, etc. No one has ever called me. (LOL, doesn't that sound pathetically sad???) My kids and I...or just myself, will walk into church events and look for a place to sit and not once has anyone invited us/me to sit with them. I would really think something was wrong with me but its just a church thing...I'm not liked in God's House...well this particular one...but I can walk into a bar, of all places, and feel like NORM "where everyone knows your name."

Church and God are important to me. I just choose not to flaunt it like some people who need to remind us they are Christians, etc I find that some people (my bar friends) feel that church is a clique of people and its about donating our money. When I first attended this church, I loved it because the sermons were uplifting and I could relate in many ways. The sermons set me up for the week of the things I needed to be more aware of, things I need to work on changing in my life, how I can help others, how I can do more for my family and for God. I didn't care about how many friends I made, etc. The people were nice and are nice. They just aren't very open to letting outsiders in...its just so hard to break into their circles. Maybe they don't realize it, but I wish they would. Yes, one of the great things about our church is that the senior pastor plays the drums during our services sometimes. I think that is kewl. Church can and should be a great place for everyone to come together, but sadly I don't see that happening.

I just love the lyrics to the Cheer's theme song. Its so fitting for my life...for my life with my husband and kids...for my husband. Well, in the end, I know its not just me and my life doesn't just revolve around me making friends at church. I've dwelled on it and now its time to move on. I am looking forward to moving with my family to begin a new adventure in our lives, meet new people, get to know another part of the world and to see what our future brings.

Have a wonderful day!

A Surrogate Mom

December 10th, 2006 - Happy Sunday

Hi Everyone!

It's so nice and warm here in Minnesota! Unbelievable! Nice to know when we go to the Christmas program at church in couple of hours, we won't be freezing ourselves to get there!

I am doing well. With it being somewhat warm here, I've been out in the garage decluttering and getting rid of things to sell at the flea market. DH got rid of his Vikings Shrine/Memorabilia stuff. Wonder if that stuff will sell as the Vikings somewhat SUCK this season. lol I'm slowly getting rid of all the material things that I have collected and done nothing with. I was thinking that when we get to CA and find a permanent home, I will start collecting new things! (Oh great! lol)

Went to see a local OB on Friday. No internal exam, thank goodness. Too late for a D & C. Will wait until Tuesday when I have my hcg levels tested. If the numbers are elevated then a D & C might be required but do not anticipate that at all. I am pretty confident that my body has cleansed itself from this. I will be happy when my HCG levels are zero so we can begin again. Keep forgetting to ask if this miscarry would be considered my first period or not. LOL will make my IP remember to ask!

Nothing much more to report. Pretty boring right now in my life. Hoping that things go well that we can plan another transfer fairly quickly. Wish us luck!

Have a great day!
A Surrogate Mom

December 6th, 2006 - Something I forgot to say....

One of the feelings that I have about this miscarriage is what went wrong? What did I do? Did the sushi I ate effect this? I crave Coke Cola, which I limit to one a day...did the caffeine effect this? What can I do in the future to make the transfer work, etc. Or if it wasn't me...what about the embryos?

Unfortunately my doctor hasn't said anything. I just wish there was an answer. KWIM?

Before this, I've had 4 easy pregnancies, no abortions, no miscarriages. All 4 healthy babies. So it makes you wonder why this did not take. Its frustrating to know that the surrogates that I've met in the past year got pregnant the first try...so, ok...why not me? Then I do know a few others who didn't get pregnant until the 2nd or 3rd try. Ok...well I hope it works the 2nd time because I'm going to start stressing too much!

Well, will work on getting myself all better to begin for a second transfer!

Night,
A Surrogate Mom

December 6th, 2006 - Thank You!

Thank you for all the nice emails. It has been very helpful to hear from other moms who have gone through a miscarriage before.

I am doing fine, as is my IP. I think we've been able to get through this because we pretty much knew in the beginning that it wasn't good, so it was not a surprise. I was told that I would have to miscarry on my own. So that is why we have been able to deal with this. It was the physical part of the miscarriage that was a bit freaky, as I said before. I think what hurt more were some insensitive remarks that I dont feel like most women who miscarry because it was not my baby. HELLO? I sometimes wonder what people are thinking when they say stupid stuff like that. You know...sometimes its just better if you don't say anything at all. While I have no legal rights and biological ties to the baby/babies, I am the birth mother. I help give life to these babies and in the end I will give birth to them. I do have a heart and I feel for these babies whether they are mine or not. I'm just a stronger person in dealing with the loss and I am dealing with it in my way. I'm sharing my feelings and telling it how it is because people shouldn't assume they just know how it is. People can "empathize" with me if they too have suffered a miscarriage, but you can't know what's going on in my head or how I should feel. I know people might mean well but please don't tell me I don't care or don't feel as bad as a woman who looses her biological child.

lol I think this falls along the lines of NEVER EVER ask a woman how far along she is...because knowing your luck...she isn't pregnant!

Well, what next? On Friday I will go see an OB here in town. On Tuesday I am supposed to go in for blood work to check my hcg (the pregnancy hormone) levels. My levels need to be back at zero to begin another transfer. The good thing about the next transfer is that we do not have to coordinate with an ED. Its just me and my cycle. I will also be able to do my own shots! lol I can't remember if I mentioned that I finally was able to do it! It isn't too bad after you get over how LONG the darn needle is. lol Thank goodness for having a nice padded butt! I think that helps! :)

DH hasn't heard back on any of the jobs that he has applied for. Its sort of frustrating because I know he wants a change from what he's doing now. We all are anxious to move...even the kids. My oldest hasn't been happy since we move to this country town two years ago, so he is very willing to move to CA. I sure hope that he is happier then. The other two are excited too and well, the baby doesn't really know.

All I know is that I can't wait to move and be in a home that has a working oven! LOL I sure do miss being able to make snacks and stuff for the kids...or have a nice oven baked meal!

Well, time to call it a day. I've napped quite a bit today but I still feel I could get more sleep!

Thank you again for your support and prayers!
Hugs,
A Surrogate Mom

December 4th, 2006 - The Next Day

Hi!

Well I can safely say its over now. I miscarried yesterday and what a mess! I've never miscarried before so the sight of all the blood sort of freaked me out. Otherwise I am ok. I can't believe all there was and I think I am going to insist that I have a D & C done...mostly because it was gross and I really want to make sure its all out. I had to use a plunger in the tub! Unbelievable. I just thought it wouldn't stop. Emotionally, I am ok with how things turned out.

Today I feel ok. The nasea (sp?) has gone, so thats good. I was only about 7-8 weeks along and the baby hadn't grown. So I'm glad we were not further along when this happened. I think had I been further along it would have been tougher to deal with. I'm still somewhat tired, emotionally and physically...some of it too is DH's final decision to relocate our family to CA. It would be great if DH could find a job pretty quickly so that we'd be in CA by the time of the next transfer. Now that would be nice.

I didn't hear from the clinic today which is strange, as they usually return my calls. hmmmm DH just said they called after I left for Bingo tonight. lol

Well, its late and the little one is getting into my mess on my desk, so its time to call it a day.

Have a good week!
A Surrogate Mom

December 2nd, 2006 - IF My Kids Can Whine, So Can I!!!

Woke up today feeling just miserable. Definate case of morning sickness. The kids ate all the darn crackers in the house, so nothing to make me feel better! Had to get my daughter to basketball by 9 am and wait there until she was done. Drove down to the cities to put $15 on the CC just so my oldest could play Final Fantasy on XBox 360! Was so happy to be back so I could take a nap and not feel nausea. You'd think after four kids that I'd get used to the feeling. lol The nap helped although I missed out going to Bingo with my neighbor. :(

I think my body is getting ready to miscarry as I noticed I started to spot again. I'm having cramping too. So hopefully once this happens, I will feel better. I really haven't wanted to do much lately.

Ok...I really don't have much to whine about other then feeling yukky. But one last thing...it drives me crazy how "rude" and "tacky" people can be. People that don't even know I'm doing this surrogacy will pat my stomach and ask me how far along. Hello, you idiot, I'm just fat! Why do people do that? Its not that I'm terribly fat...I do have my belly from having my last baby....um...two years ago. If you don't know a person is pregnant or not, then don't say anything....because its probably none of your business. lol ok...I'm done with that subject!

I just realized that my darling husband went and got some groceries...got me my own box of saltines and a ton of tv dinners so I wouldn't have to cook. I suppose it would be rude of me to tell him that the idea of having tv dinners makes my stomach turn! I wish it wasn't so cold out or I'd go to the grocery store. lol Got to love it that he tried!

Well, I'm off to pick up the house a bit and maybe take an evening nap or something. lol

Have a great weekend!
A Surrogate Mom